Vulnerability

Vulnerability-definition: not something that Rayna Goldsmith has been very good at showing in the past; a reality that has struck me many times over the course of this trip. That’s not necessarily something that should be surprising, though. I’ve been placed in a country halfway across the globe with 12 other students (most of whom I would have considered as simply my classmates before this trip), and into a culture and language that I’m completely unfamiliar with. These realities by themselves account for many of the times I’ve felt vulnerable. Add onto that the clinical work with populations that we’re not necessarily familiar with, and I sure there were times when all of us felt some vulnerability.

So, here’s my confession: I hate feeling vulnerable, especially around other people. If I’m being completely honest, this wasn’t my first choice of topic, because writing about vulnerability would require me to be vulnerable-and to a much larger audience than I would like it to be! On top of that, one of my least favorite things to do is to cry in front of people. I do my absolute best to avoid being seen while crying. Unfortunately for that part of myself, I tend to start crying when I see other people cry; and there just so happens to be people on this trip that cry much more easily than I-which usually ends up making me at least tear up. There’s probably a much more complex reason as to why I hate crying in front of others, but part of it is that I don’t like the attention and exposure it brings. I want to appear strong in front of others, but is that always necessary?

In the past, I’ve viewed being vulnerable as a bad thing, since it’s often synonymous with a weakness. However, I think it can also be used as a strength. It seems that when someone is vulnerable in front of another, there is a new, stronger comfort level between those two people. In therapy, it can be used as a strength as well. If the therapist is willing to be more open with their clients, the clients will respond by being more open with the therapist. It’s a relationship that needs reciprocation in order to function. Relationships that are one sided don’t work, because one person ends up doing all the giving, while the other just takes. So even when we’re trying to be the “Therapist,” we have to remember to remain human as well.

I came face to face with my own humanity and vulnerability during our last session with the Adult Day Care clients at the rehab center. We combined our session with the Laughter Therapist (to learn more about laughter therapy you can visit www.laughteryoga.com). We made a rough plan that morning, and I remember her saying that she had something special planned, which I didn’t think much of at the time. But when the time came for the end of the session, everything changed. We were asked to lay on the floor and laugh and move like babies. The clients were asked to be our mothers or fathers, and we were their babies. So we laughed and flailed around on the floor like babies. It was funny at first, especially when people got really into the act. We were laughing, the clients were laughing, and then at one point I looked up and some of the clients weren’t laughing anymore-just staring at us and watching. After that, the Laughter Therapist got up and explained that this is how the clients feel at times-like babies. They need people to help them, even for simple things that they used to do themselves. Their circumstances and their accident has left them vulnerable. It was a sad reality to come face to face with, but it is the reality, and she helped us understand that.

Before we left, we sang the client’s a goodbye song-others started crying and I started to tear up. Then, one of the family members of a client asked if they could sing us a song of encouragement before we left. Remember when I said that I hated to cry in front of other people? Well, when the clients and their family members sang to us, it hit me, and I started to really cry at that point. It was absolutely one of the most touching moments of this entire trip, and it happened because we were willing to put ourselves in their shoes and be vulnerable. That relationship and that reciprocation of feelings wouldn’t have happened otherwise. All of my experiences here have led me to a great conclusion: it’s okay for me to be vulnerable in front of people. So I’ll continue to work on letting my walls come down and hoping that others will reciprocate the gesture, because that will form a much stronger relationship, both personally and professionally.

Rayna Goldsmith